DUMB & DUMBER

Pain & Gain

**1/2

Review by Paul Preston

Here’s the most frustrating phrase in Hollywood – “Directed by Michael Bay”. His movies annoy the hell out of me, yet I haven’t missed one in a decade, for some reason. FRUSTRATING!

“Pain & Gain” represents the first Bay feature to be denied a summer release in at least FIFTEEN years…..that actually peaked my interest. Perhaps Bay has made a smaller film that won’t have the mass appeal of his past films, which might be a good thing!

In the end, Bay has a made a film struggling with the fact that it’s a Michael Bay film. It’s fun to watch the best parts peak through Bay’s usual main ingredient – excess. It’s one of those films that’s better when it’s having fun than when it’s trying to be funny.

Mark Wahlberg plays Danny Lugo, a bodybuilder with big dreams. After examining his surroundings in Miami and attending a motivational workshop, he realizes what must be done to advance his station in life, and he sets out to involve friends in and plan a Robin Hood-esque crime scheme that will that will deliver him The American Dream. Standing in his way? Lugo is as dumb as a rock.

Lugo is very reminiscent of Wahlberg’s classic portrayal of Dirk Diggler, but more harmful and with less innocence. But as wayward as this plot goes and as often as some of the humor doesn’t connect, Bay and his cast NAIL just how absolutely moronic these bodybuilders must be (THESE bodybuilders, not all bodybuilders who read this…and know where I hang out). But there’s gotta be some give and take, right? I mean, what they have in muscle, they lack in brains? And these guys are HUGE.

Let me make sure this comes out right. Wahlberg is perfectly cast here, he brings his manic energy and endless enthusiasm to a guy with no shot to pull off his dream of ultimate happiness. Anthony Mackie provides the solid support expected from him by now.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, looking more like a boulder here, is good as a weightlifter struggling to stay sober and on the righteous path, but failing frequently. But don’t you want The Rock to be great? I do. He’s so GREAT in the WWE, in absolute command of 30,000 people every time he grabs the mic. I want him to be GREAT in a movie, and I don’t think it’s happened yet. “Fast Five” came close. And some people are writing him off as coming from the mold of Schwarzenegger, so we shouldn’t expect greatness. But let me remind you Arnold was GREAT in “Terminator 2”, “Twins” and “True Lies”.

The story goes bananas with murder, drugs, theft, decapitation, kidnapping and extortion to the point where you have to remind yourself (or you don’t) that it’s based on a true story. A movie like “Boogie Nights” put Wahlberg’s earnest lead in a sprawling epic of interesting characters and palpable relationships. Here Wahlberg delivers, but he’s surrounded by material much more base and gleeful about its excess. Quite often, with the “True Romance”-y score, on-screen graphics and frenzied editing, Michael Bay fashions himself quite the Tony Scott movie.

I had more fun at this movie than maybe any other Michael Bay movie I’ve ever seen. All the more reason to get annoyed when moments of humanity or cinematic flair that Tarantino might’ve brought to this story are passed over. But Bay has a great sense of pace, and his films just LOOK gorgeous, and Miami is certainly one of his favorite places to film.

Nobody can pull off a heist and be cool about it like Danny Ocean. And there’s entertainment to be had watching Danny Lugo be that nobody.

Directed by: Michael Bay
Release Date: April 26, 2012
Run Time: 129 Minutes
Country: USA
Rated: R
Distributor: Paramount Pictures

OFFICIAL TRAILER

THIRD TIME’S THE HARM

When Number Three Seems More Like Number Two

Article by Matteo Molinari

This Summer we will welcome the return of Iron Man in his third adventure, cleverly titled “Iron Man 3″, as well as the conclusion of the Wolfpack’s misadventures in “The Hangover Part III”. Will they be good movies?

Probably yes — even if the man of iron has a different helmer behind the camera and the gang of friends this time won’t attend a wedding of any sort. Anyway, both movies have good characters, a good pedigree, great actors… What could possibly go wrong?!

Well…

The history of “third chapters” (known as “threequels,” thanks to those people who love to invent new terms while butchering English) is filed with good examples — “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”, “The Dark Knight Rises”, “Toy Story 3″, “Return of the Jedi”, “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”, just to name a few — and an outstanding series of atrociously bad ones.

Uh-oh! I feel the urge to do another one of my nonsensical lists that nobody cares for! Well, then — since you don’t insist, here we go, in chronological order:

The Creature Walks Among Us (1956): Oh, those geniuses at Universal. They had a great monster, The Creature from the Black Lagoon which was, upon closer examination, a creature coming from a lagoon that was black. Now, the definition of a lagoon is, “a stretch of salt water separated from the sea by a low sandbank or coral reef” — bottom line, it’s a water-based environment. So what did they come up with, for the third part of the story of the creature (a.k.a. the Gill-Man)? They remove the black lagoon altogether, and thanks to a surgical operation they give the creature the chance to breathe air and, as the title suggests, to walk among us. So now it’s just “The Creature.” And somehow the Gill-Man-Sans-Gills lost part of its charm and the series simply sputtered and died, taking the Creature with it.

[NOT-SO-FUN FACT: The Creature DID resurrect in an abysmally awful show at Universal Studios Hollywood — by the time you finished reading its advertisement, it was already gone. If you don’t believe me about its abysmality, see for yourself HERE]

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982): John Carpenter’s finest creation, Michael Myers, has sliced, filleted, diced and minced quite a good number of people in the first two movies, so what’s the next step? Rid the franchise of him and give the fans a story about a villain who’s selling Halloween masks which will kill all the kids who wear them and will turn their head into a bunch of snakes. No, really. Oh, the villain is also building robots. “Why?”, you may ask. “Not a clue”, I may answer. To make things worse, if you find yourself watching this train wreck, you won’t be able to get out of your head the overly annoying jingle, “Three more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween…” Not even Rob Zombie could have concocted a more horrible “Halloween”. No, wait. I take that back. I saw his first “Halloween”.

Jaws 3D (1983): Granted, it’s impossible to top Spielberg’s “Jaws”. They tried to go back to Amity with “Jaws 2″, but the comparison was unavoidable. So for this third chapter they boldly decided to remove Amity from the equation, remove any actor from the original series, and as a good measure, remove also any tension and scare. This time we’re in Florida, at Sea World and its vast lagoon for waterskiers and new serpentine of underwater tunnels. For the first hour of the movie, nothing much happens. When it starts happening, you wish you were back in the first hour. So there’s a shark who kills people mostly off camera; then it dies; its angry and excruciatingly slow mother swims in and wrecks havoc of some sort. All of it with not a smidge of tension. Even the soundtrack, penned by Alan Parker (yep. I didn’t know him, either) sounds more like Fantasy Island than any man-eating fish’s movie. All of this, also, in magical 3-D!

[NOT-SO-FUN FACT: This movie features the first Pinocchio-cam, when a scuba diver is shot being eaten by the shark…from inside the shark!
NOT-SO-FUN FACT #2: This movie was followed by Jaws: The Revenge. For Heaven’s sake, stay away from it!]

Superman III (1983): The movie starts with a Rube Goldberg-like series of gags that I suppose the filmmakers all thought were hilarious. Then Richard Pryor shows up, being pretty much… Richard Pryor. Then they almost immediately ship Lois Lane away, and Lex Luthor is nowhere to be found — replaced by a power-crazy billionaire and his equally power-crazy sister. They build a supercomputer which will do everything it’ll be asked to, and when not asked, it’ll do things the same because, you see, it’s not only a computer: it’s a SUPERcomputer. Oh, yeah: there’s also Superman. But he seems almost relegated as — well — a comic book figure. Granted, this piece of fertilizer has been followed by “Superman IV: Quest for Peace”, but at least in the fourth chapter they had Lex Luthor and Lois Lane!

Poltergeist III (1988): So long, Cuesta Verde, and welcome, sky-high building in Chicago! After being chased by hordes of spirits to be guided toward the light, little Carol Anne finds herself in a humongous skyscraper with her Uncle and Aunt, and she’s still chased by ghosts — whom she can see in mirrors. Needless to say, the whole building is wallpapered with mirrors. Or it’s mirrored with wallpapers. Whatever — everything is reflective, in there! And so the ghosts arrive, and everybody runs away, and screams, and they are attacked, and it’s over, but no, it’s not over, it was a false ending… Ho-hum. Something lacks in this third and final installment of the supernatural saga. Like a plot. Or characters who are even vaguely interesting. Or a sense of caring for these people. You know, minor things.

[NOT-SO-FUN FACT: The name “Carol Anne” is mentioned in this movie over 120 times. It actually chafes your ears]

Rambo III (1988): The second novel about Rambo written by David Morrell opened with a disclaimer that said, roughly, “In my first novel, ‘First Blood,’ Rambo died at the end. But then Hollywood gave me a truckload of money so he’s back in business and screw my integrity.” Well, maybe these weren’t his exact words, but you catch the drift. So they resurrected the character for a sequel which was kind of interesting, and then they rehashed him once more for a third chapter that really was uninspired, tired, unoriginal and the only emotion it provided was to plump Sylvester Stallone’s bank account. The more recent “Rambo” is far superior than this one. So you can skip Part Three and jump straight to Four and live happier.
 
 
 
The Karate Kid Part III (1989): Wax on, wax off. The titular “kid” was 27 at the time of this flick, so there goes part of the premises (probably The Karate Almost 30 Guy Part III would have not been a good title). Then there is a Xerox copier somewhere, because the script is pretty much identical to the previous two movies of the series. Oh, no: they added a bonsai tree that looks like a fake bonsai tree, but all the rest is pretty much routine. Nothing new under the Sun. Then again, this chapter is magnificent, compared to “The Next Karate Kid”, which is the same thing all over again, except this time the “kid” is Hilary Swank in pre-”Million Dollar Baby” form.
 
 
 
 
Alien 3 (1992): This may not be the movie David Fincher wanted us to see, so I won’t hold it against him. And, lucky for him, “Alien Resurrection” came about a few years later.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
RoboCop 3 (1993): The part-human, part-machine cop is back (with a different actor under the armor), and does what a third movie titled “RoboCop 3″ is supposed to do: it functions as a commercial to keep alive the line of toys and action figures generated by the first two movies. This flick was also toned-down in the violence department so more kids would go see it, but this didn’t help much, either. And the cop flies, too! Or tries to — if memory serves, he crashes on the ground more times than he stays up in the air. Either way, this is a pedestrian third chapter which has nothing new to say aside from, “Go buy more toys!”
 
 
 
 
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993): Okay, the “cowabunga dude” amphibians not only are back, but this time… they are back in time! (Oooooooh, I hear you say) Yup, the turtles wind up in 17th Century China to fight some samurais and such — with cartoonish violence and less wisecracks that made popular the reptilian fighters. Then again, this might be a masterpiece compared to the next incarnation – Michael Bay’s foray in the universe of turtles that are not only teenagers, but also mutant and even ninja! I guess we’ll have to wait and see. But for the time being, do yourself a favor and just skip this one.
 
 
 
 
 
Beverly Hills Cop III (1994): Axel Foley is back! Well… Almost. I mean, he looks like Axel Foley and talks like Axel Foley. He even dresses like Axel Foley… but Axel Foley he ain’t. Which is a pity. Because in this movie, which could have been called “Die Hard in an Amusement Park but With Less Deaths and Funny Zingers” is really a huge disappointment. The story about a counterfeit gang that acts in the bowels of the beloved park Wonderworld is murky and not particularly engaging, the jokes are not funny, everything looks uninspired. If the only smile a movie gives you is because of a cameo by Bronson Pinchot, we’re in trouble. Thank God Murphy went on with much more entertaining and amusing and memorable movies like “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”. And “Daddy Day Care”. And “Norbit”. And “Meet Dave”. And “Imagine That”. And “A Thousand Words”.

Batman Forever (1995): Tim Burton is too dark for Batman? Great! Let’s just go the opposite direction and bring the franchise back thirty years! Bright colors, new cast members (Batman included), campier than campy, bat-suit with nipples and an extremely confusing storyline. Is there something worse than this? Yup — it’s called “Batman & Robin”.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001): Yes. It does exist. Nope. Nobody saw it. But if you really want to know, it’s harmless, good-intended and forgettable.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The Matrix Revolutions (2003): Talk about a letdown. The Wachowski brothers had created a truly genuine, original movie with “The Matrix”. They followed it with a bunch of incoherent scenes — and a terrific highway chase — with “The Matrix Reloaded”. And then there is this one. Ask anybody to sum it up, and they’ll most likely tell you, “There’s a huge fight of robots and men… I think.” But they won’t remember anything else, except that the ending is probably one of the biggest, saddest, pathetic ending of a saga that started in the theatres with a BANG and concluded with a, “Isn’t there another reel of film after this one?” I haven’t seen a downbeat ending like this one since… Oh, no, wait: “Spider-Man 3″ came after this one.
 
 
 
Terminator 3 — Rise of the Machines (2003): He said he’d be back. Or at least, a copy of the model that said he’ll be back is actually back. Either way, twelve years after his last adventure, the Terminator is back to protect (once again) John Connor from the evil killers sent by the eviler SkyNet. Besides the fact that it’s interesting how technology has developed a robot that can age (Schwarzy is not Dorian Gray), we face a story that somehow negates the previous movie; Judgment Day is indeed about to happen, and the Terminator has to prevent the death of John Connor in that very conflict — conflict that will start as an “innocuous” computer virus. Besides SkyNet, the enemy to face this time is the T-X, a not particularly engaging enemy, and everything pales in comparison with the two previous installments of the saga. The only reason why this movie isn’t considered an atrocious catastrophe is that it was followed by the deplorable “Terminator Salvation” (2009), which has its place in history because of two facts: it suggested a pretty cool roller coaster at Six Flags, and it gave us an amazing and famous tirade by the master of classy soliloquy, Christian Bale.

Final Destination 3 (2006): “The Final Destination” saga is a pretty fun one, and follows the same blueprint over and over again: a kid has a premonition of a horrendous accident; he/she convinces friends and occasional bystanders in not partaking in the activity that will result in the aforementioned horrendous accident; Death, feeling cheated, will take, one by one, the survivors in the order they were supposed to die — and will do it in the most elaborate and spectacular way ever conceived, demonstrating that the Grim Reaper needs to have fun, too, every now and again. Now, when going to see these movies, you don’t expect Shakespeare. Although the first chapter of this series came up with some philosophical themes, mostly you go see teenagers who die. However, in this movie, every single character is so despicable and so annoying, that you hope, you pray for them to die. There is not one single redeeming quality in any of them, which kind of defuses the purpose: if you don’t care for the victim, you can’t be invested in the movie. Well, in this one, you’re rooting for the Reaper all the way through. Which probably is the point of the movie, but just taking the cast and pushing them down a ravine would have saved us a lot of time.

X-Men — The Last Stand (2006): There are a lot of mutants in this movie, all with different powers, and they all seem in desperate need for a script. This flick had a different director from the previous two of the saga (yeah, Bryan Singer left to do “Superman Returns” — and we all know how well that one turned out), so the new guy in town — Brett Ratner — pretty much gave us a movie rich in spectacle, but drained in human (or mutant) emotions, and the result is quite disappointing, especially coming from the second, powerful chapter of the saga. Here’s the story, as much as I can summarize: there are the mutants; then there are more mutants, some good, some bad; one strikes the most ridiculous pose when he shows that, like Red Bull, he has wings! and then they all fight. Some wins, some losses. And Cyclops is killed off screen. Not good.

Rush Hour 3 (2007): Chris Tucker should always come with a warning label, “To be taken in moderation.” He’s funny for five minutes, mildly amusing for ten, but after fifteen or more minutes exposed to his motormouth, you are ready to drill a hole in the back of your neck to make the sound of his voice leak out of your head. The first “Rush Hour” was fun; the second one was okay; the third is the same thing all over again (but in Paris, this time), and so it tastes like you’re eating for lunch the microwaved leftovers of yesterday’s dinner which was the re-heated lunch you made the day before (but in Paris, this time). The story is blah, the situations are trite, and you know that saying ‘When you have nothing to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all’? Well, it should apply to sequels, too.
 
 
Shrek the Third (2007): They should have stopped at Part 2. But do they ever listen?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Spider-Man 3 (2007): Things I’ve learned watching this movie:
- Peter Parker is a whiny douchebag who can’t comb his hair
- Mary Jane could do much better and doesn’t seem to be a good actress
- Harry Osborn is a spoiled, vengeful kid
- Gwen Stacy shows up just to create chaos and then vanishes
- There is enough material crammed in this movie to make at least three more sequels
- When a crane goes awry and literally slices the corner of a building, the priority is to save Gwen Stacy and that’s it — let the town and the Police deal with a possible collapsing building, debris falling over the people and a crane that spins uncontrollably over the town
- Tobey Maguire can’t dance
- A sunset apparently is more relevant and important than the death of a best friend.

The Mummy — Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008): This is not a bad movie per se; it’s here simply because, if you go to someone who isn’t Brendan Fraser and ask him or her about this movie, the answer you’ll get it, “What? They did a third one?”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Transformers — Dark of the Moon (2011): Yes, there are robots. And they are big and fight. The plot is vague as ever, but this time it drags endlessly. There is a battle in Chicago that lasts about five of the three acts of the movie, and the only scene I remember is a building tilting on its side — because the shots inside of the building were practical and the stunt people did an amazing job in rolling and falling and crashing through stuff. All the rest, the CGI battle, the CGI good robots, the CGI bad robots, the CGI characters — sorry, I got distracted: the paper-thin characters… They are just a blur. A noisy, chaotic, endless, unmemorable blur.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So there you have it! I’m sure your life will be much better now that you’ve learned about these masterpiece-wannabes. And remember: When a Number Three hits rock bottom… Sometimes there’s a Part IV coming along and taking its place in our memory as “one of the worst sequels ever made.

But that would be another article.

LATALKRADIO.COM – BROAD TOPICS
May 22, 2012
Movie Guys Paul Preston and Christanna Rowader stopped in on LA TALK RADIO’s “Broad Topics” to lay down a ton of material on “The Bourne Legacy” and “Hope Springs”. It’s a review, it’s jokes, it’s both. (10 min., 12 sec.)

LATALKRADIO.COM – BROAD TOPICS
May 22, 2012
Movie Guys Paul Preston and Christanna Rowader stopped in on LA TALK RADIO’s “Broad Topics” to lay down a ton of material on “Battleship” and “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. (13 min., 22 sec.)

CELEBRATING 26 YEARS OF STUFF ‘N’ THINGS

The Movie Guys go to Wonder-Con

Comments by Paul Preston
Photos by Adam Witt & Paul Preston

Everyone knows Comic-Con, the San Diego pop culture extravaganza that goes on every July. Have you heard of Ape (the Alternative Press Expo) in San Francisco? No? How about Wonder-Con? If Comic-Con is the Alec Baldwin of pop culture conventions, Wonder-Con is the Stephen Baldwin (leaving Ape the Daniel Baldwin of said events). Normally existing in San Francisco, Wonder-Con came to Anaheim this year due to renovations to San Francisco’s convention center. Being in Anaheim, the event was easier to get to by all the crazies in Los Angeles, but there seemed to be fewer costumes and get-ups than in San Diego. I guess they’re not onto the event’s proximity yet. Or they’re just so crazy that they lack the skills to register online in a timely fashion. Or know what proximity is.

It wasn’t overcrowded. It was inviting, full of good people and lured some pretty decent Hollywood types to promote what’s coming out, movie-wise, in the next year. And movies are what we focus on. Here are some of the sights and our comments:

As with all these types of events, you’re greeted by these Yahoos:

And they’re evil counterparts…

(You can see in Cobra Commander’s helmet reflection just how excited Adam was to meet such a legendary character)

Adam put it best, however, you feel safest in a place where Stormtroopers outnumber actual security:

I don’t know if it’s because “Superman: The Movie” producer Ilya Salkind was signing autographs or what, but safety measures were sharpened for this event. Even The Punisher had to check all his weapons past security before he could roam the floor. And it went on like one of those bits where the dude keeps pulling weapons out of everywhere – the pistol from behind his back, the knife in the bootstrap, etc.

A guy like me goes to Wonder-Con for the big, splashy movie studio presentations of upcoming movies that tie into comics, fantasy and sci-fi genres. And there was plenty of good presenting to satisfy your nerd jones. A guy like Adam goes for EVERYTHING offered up.

Here are a few convention floor highlights before we go inside the Third Floor Ballroom (For the record, “Third Floor Ballroom” doesn’t have the same ring as Comic-Con’s “Hall H”. Wonder-Con might wanna work on that).

As always, The Movie Guys are the first with movie news! So we’d like to report that Marvel has been secretly working with Walt Disney Pictures to bring us all an “Avengers” movie. There you go. Scoop uncovered.

You got to pose for photos with Thor’s hammer (which was actually quite heavy). I thought, “Hey, I’d like to look like Chris Hemsworth! Gimmee that!”. However, as evidenced in the picture, I look like Tom Brokaw or something. Next photo.

Adam “scored” at one of the video booths, coming away with hard-to-find DVD copies of the TV movie of “Doctor Strange” (who knew there was such a thing), the 1977 TV pilot of the animated “Spider-Man: The Movie” and long lost animated “Hulk” cartoons from thirty years ago. Now for people like my wife, my parents and any clergy I know, this isn’t necessarily “scoring”, but for Adam, it was the mother lode.

Light sabers for sale.
(No further caption necessary)

This droid talked to more hot chicks in spandex than half the guys attending Wonder-Con.

If this were any other robot, it would look like this child is being eaten. But it’s R2-D2, so it’s all good.

Adam’s getting a shot here of the first Batman and Superman I’ve seen in the SoCal area that didn’t ask me for a dollar.
________________________________________________

Now, on to the Third Floor Ballroom (Nope…still doesn’t sound like a place where something awesome would happen). Hall H in San Diego holds about 6,000 people. Being the baby brother of Comic-Con, Wonder-Con’s presentation room held about 3,000. Don’t get me wrong, that’s still a crap-ton of people lining up to hear about “Battleship”.

The first film out of the gate was “Sound of My Voice”, a creepy movie about a couple of documentary filmmakers who are embedding themselves in a local cult when, naturally, things go wrong, documentary ethics are questioned and “Martha Marcy May Marlene”-type murders occur. The first twelve minutes of the film were screened, a wise move for a film nobody knows anything about. Well timed, too, as the last line of the footage is the ringer for what kind of cult this is, and introduces the sci-fi element a crowd of 3,000 geeks needed.

Then two members of “the cult” talked to the audience about the creepy sect they belonged to. This seemed like a great idea that somehow fell flat. I think one cult guy didn’t know where the booth on the convention floor was to find out more info and both had commune-like low energy that didn’t help rev up excitement for the film. This was followed by a by-the-numbers Q&A with the filmmakers and star.

Presentation aside, the footage spoke for itself. The movie looks like a very well-made indie that’s creepy and could find a “Blair Witch”/”Paranormal Activity” audience if rolled out correctly. It was a Sundance hit that opens in April.

THE FIRST TWELVE MINUTES OF “SOUND OF MY VOICE” CAN BE SEEN HERE.

LOOK UPON THE CLARITY OF THIS iPHOTO!!

Next up was 20th Century Fox, rolling out new trailers for two summer films. First was “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. A short film was played where “Tim Burton” (a zombified corpse on a hospital bed surrounded by two hot nurses and “Dr. Andrew Weil”) introduced the presentation. He could not attend because he was in London.

Then the screenwriter (and writer of the original books) Seth Grahame-Smith came out to moderate a Q&A with director Timur Bekmamnetov and star Benjamin Walker. Timur was of little words, but Walker seemed to be a big fan of the project and he looks strikingly like a young Liam Neeson, who ironically was originally cast as Honest Abe in Spielberg’s “Lincoln” (before Daniel Day-Lewis got the role). They said more than once that history is a great launching point for this horror/sci-fi adventure because Lincoln himself had a childhood and “origin story” not unlike a superhero’s. This particular version of that story just happens to have vampires.

There aren’t many writers who come across as genial and energetic as Seth Grahame-Smith. He goofed on Stephanie Meyer and seemed thrilled to pieces that anything has become of his goofy stories that bend history (he also “Pride & Prejudice & Zombies”). Overall, the film looks WAY (perhaps TOO) stylized. From the clip and new trailer they showed, the film has no interest in being in reality at ALL. Not quite “The Lincoln Story…plus vampires”. As Adam would remind me, with a title called “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”, I should expect some exaggeration. Well…there’s certainly that on display here!

Next up was what most people in the convention center were there to see. Ridley Scott (the world’s most famous Ridley) on hand to introduce the newest 3D trailer for “Prometheus”. This was the most high-powered panel, as Scott was joined by writer Damon Lindelof (“Lost”), Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender.

All signs are pointing to “Prometheus” being the “Alien” prequel everyone wants it to be. There is even some Giger-esque production design to whet your sci-fi appetite. Sadly, the new trailer doesn’t directly help us understand what the plot might be, but the good news is, the new trailer doesn’t directly help us understand what the plot might be.

This was the big prestige project of the day. No gimmicks, no bullshit, just Magento, Sir Ridley and Oscar winner Charlize Theron talking to that guy who fucked up “Lost”. Ridley returns to sci-fi for the first time in thirty years. People were pleased, and below you can see why:

Up next was a not-nearly-as-impressive summer slate from Universal Pictures. Lately, comedies and action movies have treated The Globe Studio well with “Bridesmaids” and “Fast Five”, but their fantasy offerings like “Cowboys & Aliens” and “Land of the Lost” have tanked. “Snow White and the Huntsman” and “Battleship” don’t look to change that trend, so hopefully “The Bourne Legacy” kicks ass…

Kristen Stewart looked her usual waif/goth/hot, but kinda seems dull in this new update of the Snow White story, stripping all the fun out of the story the same way “Robin Hood” with Russell Crowe did, replacing whimsy with armor-clad battles between armies. Theron came back out to discuss the joy of playing an unlikeable character (a run she’s been on lately after “Young Adult” and here as the Wicked Queen Ravenna).

They were joined by director Rupert Sanders, who’s making his debut. They debuted a new trailer and an extensive clip. But there’ll be no confusing this with the recently-released “Mirror Mirror”. Check out the differences below:

MIRROR MIRROR:

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN:

This is not a flattering picture of Peter Berg.

But…he was working HARD to get us excited about the strange concept of “Battleship”. This movie is based on the board game, but…um…it has…uh…well, let me quote director Berg: “There are aliens in BATTLESHIP”.

Yes, aliens, and Berg, along with Brooklyn Decker and Alexander Skarsgard, gave us sneak previews of two extended scenes from the film. One was the kind of scene you can only get in a summer action movie. Taylor Kitsch plays a naval officer who seems like trouble, and we got a glimpse of his rambunctious ways in a six minute sequence that got known quickly as “the burrito clip”. Kitsch is determined to get a chicken burrito for Decker’s character when she arrives at his local bar after the kitched closes. He then goes to/breaks into a convenience store, busts the place up and draws the attention of the police to get her the burrito. This is “Battleship”. Too much unfunny comedy. Make with the aliens.

The next scene gave us just that. But it was still only mildly appealing. But I was quickly reminded that Liam Neeson is in the movie, so it may be too early to get down on it. Berg is definitely trying to be Michael Bay here. But with Michael Bay still out there being Michael Bay whether that’s requested or not, there may not be call for a second one.

But I hope “Battleship” isn’t a total wash, ’cause I’d hate to see the promising career of Taylor Kitsch completely go in the crapper, and that would definitely happen if this summer film tanks on the heels of “John Carter”. Kitsch played Carter as a healthy mix between Indiana Jones and William Wallace, often bothered to be helping, but really being good at it. I’m rooting for him.

This is my favorite image from the “Lockout” panel, ’cause it makes the moderator from IGN look like he has an afro.

“Lockout” doesn’t look good. And yet, it looks awesome. This is a movie for a very slim cross-section of male viewers, so the trailer we saw plays directly to them with no apologies. It has lines like “He’s a loose cannon”. Again, horrible. Again, awesome.

Maggie Grace was on hand to try like hell to make this appeal to women with stories about her family visiting the set and she debuted an extended, five minute scene where hero Guy Pearce is racing against, I don’t know, “bad guys”(?) to break into a cell on a prison in space to get to The President’s daughter. You see, in another horrible/awesome move, The President’s daughter is on a goodwill mission to the prison when a riot turns the whole jail into a madhouse. It’s basically “Escape from New York” in space. And “Escape from New York” was not horrible at all. Just awesome.

FIVE MINUTES OF FOOTAGE:

Those blobs in the center, at the table, those blobs are Milla Jovovich and Paul W.S. Anderson, star and director of “Resident Evil: Retribution”. I’ll admit I haven’t seen any of these movies, but perhaps I should subscribe to Adam’s theory that whenever a series gets four or five movies in, you OWE it to their hard work to check the movies out, for god’s sake.

Anderson has no problem being known as the “video game movie” director. He’s all about ‘bullet-time’, all the time, as the panel gave us a sneak peek of an action scene. This scene was nothing but Jovivich killing zombies in as stylistic a manner as possible. It looked like nothing matters in this movie except rampant killing. So, naturally, I was interested.

The super-crisp HD footage and 3D were pretty impressive, even if I didn’t know why Alice was wasting all these monsters, or why they were monsters in the first place. All I know is I played the very first “Resident Evil” game on PSOne YEARS ago, and there was no Alice in it. Apparently, the plot is expanded to a global level here and it’s to be the biggest of the “Resident Evil” films. OK! I’ll go already!

I LOVE discovering a new film at a con. In the past, it’s been films like “Red” and “Drive”. This year’s little-known film doesn’t come out until September. “Looper” is the latest film from the director of “Brick” and “The Brothers Bloom”, changing genres yet again to bring a time-travel movie to the masses. Rian Johnson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt gave fans the world debut of the trailer, which showed us Levitt as an assassin who kills people sent back in time for their execution. One rule – don’t let the victim escape. So naturally…things go wrong. This was such an exclusive event I couldn’t even find the trailer online to show you all now. Search harder than me and you may come up with something, and you won’t be disappointed by what you see.

Levitt’s a great actor and he and Johnson seemed genuinely excited about this project, which also features Bruce Willis as an older Levitt. It looks like it nails the genre and enjoys the fun and danger in the storyline. Johnson and Levitt had a great rapport, as if they whipped this film together for us and “go have fun with it, guys!”. It looks great.

Your finale was “The Amazing Spider-Man”, bringing out Emma Stone, director Marc Webb (Really? The director of a Spider-Man movie is named “Webb”?) and producer Matthew Tolmach. The best part of this panel was Tolmach. He was in total producer mode, totally in charge and totally funny and totally sure this movie was gonna be the greatest thing of the summer. Yes, he was funny.

Despite not being done with all the VFX, Webb showed a VERY extended clip montage, with high school scenes, action scenes and more. I thought it was cool just to see Spidey swinging in front of a blue screen to see what it looks like before the final cut. Tolmach and company were making the hard sell to let us all know just how different this Spider-Man story was going to be. GOOD. Since I first heard of this project, and that the whole project was going back to high school, I was underwhelmed. I mean, really? The origin story again? Well, with The Lizard and Gwen Stacey and a more mysterious background to Peter, they’re promising a storyline that is true to alternate comic book mythology, yet won’t be a re-tread.

So, slowly, I’m becoming interested, plus the cast looks good, especially Rhys Ifans as Dr. Collins/The Lizard.

That’s it till Comic-Con 2012, where there better be some dirt on “Pacific Rim” and “Start Trek 2″!

“STRAW DOGS” PREVIEW

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, September 2011, Movie Guys Paul & Lee try to preview the movie “Straw Dogs”, and are interrupted by hillbilly folk.
Inspired by the September 2011 movie “Straw Dogs”

NEPOTISM

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, September 2011, Movie Guys Paul & Karen are confronted by a doctor to determine their levels of nepotism and how dangerous they can be.
Inspired by the September 2011 movie “Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

JEFF FANGSWORTHY

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, August 2011, The Movie Guys help you determine if your neighbor is a vampire, and they enlist the help of observational comedian Jeff Fangsworthy to find out if you yourself are a vampire.
Inspired by the August 2011 movie “Fright Night”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

PLANET OF THE APES ROUNDTABLE

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, August 2011, three “experts” are brought together to discuss the plausibility of the mind to go from ape to human-ape so quickly.
Inspired by the August 2011 movie “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

ANIMAL DATE

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, July 2011, from a segment called “What’s Eating Gilbert Gottfried”, a man gets his dating advice from animals, and the subsequent date doesn’t go well.
Inspired by the July 2011 movie “Zookeeper”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

HARRY POTTER ENDING SPOILER

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, July 2011, The Movie Guys show their audience the climactic ending to the entire Harry Potter franchise.
Inspired by the July 2011 movie “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2″
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

SPIELBERG/ABRAMS PITCH MEETING

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, June 2011, a Paramount Pictures executive finds it very hard to say NO to J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg.
Inspired by the June 2011 movie “Super 8″
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

GREEN LANTERN PRESS CONFERENCE

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, June 2011, a Warner Brothers rep attempts to smooth over any confusion about the plot of “Green Lantern”.
Inspired by the June 2011 movie “Green Lantern”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

THE SPRING INTO SUMMER MOVIE SEASON

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, May 2011, Paul attempts to introduce the show, and he is interrupted by arguing seasons of the year.
Inspired by the May 2011 movies and “Fast Five”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at The Second City Hollywood.

THE WEDDING MOVIE PLANNER

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, May 2011, Paul & Karen visit a wedding movie planner to assist them in planning their wedding movie.
Inspired by the May 2011 movies “Jumping the Broom”, “Something Borrowed” and “Bridesmaids”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at 8PM at The Second City Hollywood.

NATALIE PORTMAN – OVEREXPOSED?

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, May 2011, Paul & Adam enlist the help of resident medical expert Dr. Haku Matani to get to bottom of whether or not Natalie Portman is overexposed. Inspired by the May 2011 movies “Thor” and “Hesher”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at 8PM at The Second City Hollywood.

BLACK MEN DRESSING UP AS BLACK WOMEN HISTORY MONTH

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, February 2011, Patrick J. Pieters explains the historical significance of black men dressing up as black women in entertainment.
Inspired by the Feb. 2011 movie “Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at 8PM at The Second City Hollywood.

MEET THE JANUARY MOVIES

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, February 2011, The Movie Guys present a roundtable interview with the January 2011 movies to get to the bottom of why they were relegated to this lame movie-going month.
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at 8PM at The Second City Hollywood.

C’MON, C’MON! FLASHLIGHTS

In this clip from The Movie Guys LIVE!, February 2011, Movie Guys Adam, Karen and Paul send up the horror movie concept that technology is at its worst, when you are at your most stressed.
Inspired by the Feb. 2011 movie “Vanishing on 7th Street”
The Movie Guys LIVE! performs the 1st Thursday of every month at 8PM at The Second City Hollywood.

BEHOLD!

The Movie Guys bring you original videos about nothing but movies, movies, movies. View away, go nuts, and don’t hesitate to check out our YouTube page where you can subscribe to our channel, find embedding info and get more lowdown about the videos.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ SEPTEMBER MOVIE PREVIEW – “NO MORE SUPERHERO MOVIES”

Movie Guys Paul Preston, Lee Kias, David Beach and Jim Sloane give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in September. “No More Superhero Movies” covers the major releases of September 2nd & 9th, 2011, including SHARK NIGHT 3D, APOLLO 18, WARRIOR and CONTAGION.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ AUGUST MOVIE PREVIEW – “OUR IDIOT PREVIEWS”

Movie Guys Paul Preston, Lee Kias, Adam Witt and Karen Volpe give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in August. “Our Idiot Previews” covers the major releases of August 26th, 2011, including COLUMBIANA, DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK and OUR IDIOT BROTHER.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ AUGUST MOVIE PREVIEW – “SEQUELS AND REMAKES AND REBOOTS, OH MY!”

Movie Guys Paul Preston, Lee Kias, Adam Witt and David Beach give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in August. “Sequels and Remakes and Reboots, Oh My!” covers the major releases of August 19th, 2011, including CONAN THE BARBARIAN 3D, SPY KIDS: ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD and FRIGHT NIGHT.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ CONCERT MOVIE 3D

Movie Guys Paul Preston, Adam Witt, Lee Kias and David Beach give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in August. “The Movie Guys’ Concert Movie 3D” covers the major releases of August 12th, 2011, including 30 MINUTES OR LESS, FINAL DESTINATION 5 and GLEE: THE CONCERT MOVIE 3D

THE MOVIE GUYS’ AUGUST MOVIE PREVIEW – “THERE’S AN APE FOR THAT”

Movie Guys Paul Preston, Karen Volpe and David Beach give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in August. “There’s an Ape for That” covers the major releases of August 5th, 2011, including RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, THE CHANGE-UP and THE HELP.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ JULY MOVIE PREVIEW – “TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Lee Kias give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in July. Covered: TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON, a spectacle so big, it deserved it’s own preview show.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ JUNE MOVIE PREVIEW – “LATE JUNE WRAP-UP”

Movie Guys Paul Preston, Lee Kias and Steven Lewis give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in June. “Late June Wrap-Up” covers the major late-June movie releases GREEN LANTERN, MR. POPPER’S PENGUINS, CARS 2 and BAD TEACHER.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ JUNE MOVIE PREVIEW – “MAGICAL MYSTERY FILM”

Movie Guys Paul Preston, Adam Witt and Steven Lewis give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in June. “Magical Mystery Film” covers the closely-guarded SUPER 8. Oh, and JUDY MOODY AND THE NOT BUMMER SUMMER comes out, too.

THE MOVIE GUYS: FIRST CLASS

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Adam Witt give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in June. “The Movie Guys: First Class” covers the latest mutant adventure X-MEN: FIRST CLASS.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ MAY MOVIE PREVIEW, PART II

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Lee Kias give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in May. “The Movie Guys’ May Movie Preview, Part II” covers the sequels of May 2011, including: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES, THE HANGOVER, PART II and KUNG FU PANDA 2.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ MAY MOVIE PREVIEW – “SAVE THE DATES”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Karen Volpe give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in May. “Save the Date” covers the wedding movie releases of May 2011, including: JUMPING THE BROOM, BRIDESMAIDS and SOMETHING BORROWED.

THE BEAVER: A SPOILER-FREE PREVIEW

Movie Guy Steven Lewis previews the new Mel Gibson movie, “The Beaver”. He is enthusiastic…and slightly misinformed.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ MAY MOVIE PREVIEW – “HERO COMPLEX”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Adam Witt give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in May. “Heroes” covers the superhero releases of May 2011, including: THOR and PRIEST.

THE MOVIE GUYS’ MAY MOVIE PREVIEW – “INDIE JONES”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Steven Lewis give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in May. “Indie Jones” covers the major independent releases of May 2011, including: THE BEAVER, EVERYTHING MUST GO, HESHER and MIDNIGHT IN PARIS.

DISNEY’S THE MOVIE GUYS’ APRIL MOVIE PREVIEW

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Justin Bowler give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in April. “Disney’s The Movie Guys’ April Movie Preview ” covers the major film releases of April 29, 2011: FAST FIVE, HOODWINKED TOO!: HOOD VS. EVIL and DISNEY’S PROM.

TYLER PERRY’S THE MOVIE GUYS’ APRIL MOVIE PREVIEW

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Justin Bowler give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in April. “Tyler Perry’s The Movie Guys’ April Movie Preview” covers the major film releases of April 22, 2011: TYLER PERRY’S MADEA’S BIG HAPPY FAMILY, WATER FOR ELEPHANTS and APOLLO 18 (sort of).

APRIL MOVIE PREVIEW – “NEVE CAMPBELL – STILL CUTE”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Justin Bowler give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in April. “Neve Campbel – Still Cute” covers the major film releases of April 15, 2011: SCREAM 4, RIO and THE CONSPIRATOR.

APRIL MOVIE PREVIEW – “ANOTHER NATALIE PORTMAN MOVIE”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Justin Bowler give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in April. “Another Natalie Portman Movie” covers the major film releases of April 8, 2011: ARTHUR, HANNA, YOUR HIGHNESS and SOUL SURFER.

APRIL MOVIE PREVIEW – “THEY’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Justin Bowler give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in April. “They’ve Got to be Kidding” covers the major film releases of April 1, 2011: HOP, SOURCE CODE and TRUST.

NICOLAS CAGE: WTF?

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Justin Bowler give the “Career in Review” treatment to Nicolas Cage and wonder when things got weird.

MARCH MOVIE PREVIEW – “NOT SCREENED FOR CRITICS”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Lee Kias give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in March. “Not Screened for Critics” covers the major film releases of March 25, 2011, which had no press screenings: SUCKERPUNCH and DIARY OF A WIMPY KID: RODRICK RULES.

MARCH MOVIE PREVIEW – “EPONYMOUS”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Steven Lewis give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in March. “Eponymous” covers the major film releases of March 18, 2011: PAUL, LIMITLESS and THE LINCOLN LAWYER.

MARCH MOVIE PREVIEW – “ALIENZ N THE HOOD”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Adam Witt give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in March. “Alienz N The Hood” covers the major film releases of March 11, 2011: BATTLE: LOS ANGELES, MARS NEEDS MOMS and RED RIDING HOOD.

MARCH MOVIE PREVIEW – “MARCH MADNESS”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Karen Volpe give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in March. “March Madness” covers the major film releases of March 4, 2011: RANGO, BEASTLY, TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT and THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU.

TO & FROM: “THE KING’S SPEECH”

Join Karen Volpe and Vanessa Whitney as they share their feelings on “The King’s Speech” in this thinly-veiled love letter to Colin Firth, while traveling to and coming from a screening of the movie. Will the movie be worth its Best Picture cred? Will it be historically accurate? Those questions may not be answered, but Colin Firth will look good.

FEB. MOVIE PREVIEW – “3D OR NOT 3D”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Steven Lewis give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in February. “3D or Not 3D” covers the major film releases of February 25, 2011: THE LION OF JUDAH, HALL PASS & DRIVE ANGRY 3D.

FEB. MOVIE PREVIEW – “FUCK THESE MOVIES, PART II”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Karen Volpe give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in February. “Fuck These Movies, Part II” covers the major film releases of February 18, 2011: UNKNOWN, I AM NUMBER FOUR, VANISHING ON 7TH STREET and BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER LIKE SON.

BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER LIKE SON: A SPOILER-FREE PREVIEW

Movie Guy Steven Lewis previews the new Martin Lawrence movie, “Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son”. He is enthusiastic…and slightly misinformed.

FEB. MOVIE PREVIEW – “FUCK THESE MOVIES”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Lee Kias give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in December. “Fuck These Movies” covers the major film releases of February 11, 2010, GNOMEO & JULIET, JUST GO WITH IT, THE EAGLE and JUSTIN BIEBER: NEVER SAY NEVER.

FEB. MOVIE PREVIEW – “HERE ARE THE MOVIES YOU DIDN’T SEE LAST WEEK”

Movie Guys Paul Preston and Adam Witt give you the lowdown and their thoughts on what’s happening movie-wise in December. “Here are the Movies You Didn’t See Last Week” covers the major film releases of February 4, 2010, SANCTUM, THE ROOMMATE and the wide release of FRANKIE & ALICE.