GIVE IT AWAY, GIVE IT AWAY, GIVE IT AWAY NOW

“Trailer Trash”

THE MIDDLE SEAT: Column by Steve Matuszak

OK, so I went a little crazy last week by suggesting that there were some people who do not deserve to see movies. I then extrapolated that beyond film. And some of you added your own lists – tall and wide people, teenage boys who don’t shower and anyone who watches Fox News!

Well, I guess I should take it easy this week and cover something less controversial. But that can be dangerous for passionate folks like myself. The denouement after excitement can be debilitating, like Lawrence of Arabia trying to reenter society.

But, I shall try. Let’s focus our sites this week on movie trailers. Now, I called this week’s column “trailer trash” as a pun for movies, not to denigrate those who live in trailer parks.

I don’t have any issue with anyone merely because of where they live. I have an issue with blatant ignorance that, when wielded improperly, can cause harm to others. Like the time, when camping, my friends and I drove back to our campgrounds to see a guy (who had a permanent RV site) pouring motor oil on his fire to get it to burn.

But I digress to trash rather than trailers, although they can often be the same thing, hence my title. I would like to make a confession. I have been endlessly fooled by movie trailers to frequent films that ultimately were nowhere near as good as the trailers suggested. Has this ever happened to you?

And this is normally the case with Bruckheimer-like epic blockbusters full of action with no story. I just sometimes can’t help it. The trailers give me a tease of potential “awesomeness” and then I go, only to discover that the awesomeness ended at the end of the trailer.

But I fall for it every time. The deep voice over, the narrative that suggests the greatest story ever told, the quick cuts and mind-blowing special effects. Recently I recall the “Clash of the Titans” trailer and just a hint of the Kracken! Or how about the “Tron: Legacy” trailer? I believed my life would not be complete until I saw the light cycles one more time!

These false advertisements (trailers) ruin my movie-going experience and make me mad.

First, because they normally give away plot points that I do NOT want to know because they ruin the suspense of the story. They also give away the best (and sometimes only) laugh moments of the film. Seeing the trailer should not supplant seeing the movie.

My mother used to say “Give them a little and leave them wanting more!” Of course, I was in a middle school play at the time, but the adage holds true nonetheless. Stop giving everything away in the trailers.

Second, could you producers stop making the special effects seem so amazing that you suggest there are even more amazing effects in the film. Because, when it comes to “2012″, while there were some additional special effects beyond those shown in the trailer, they were so ridiculous that I LAUGHED!

Nobody wants to get a hamburger from a place whose advertisement shows giant juicy, mouth-watering patties only to find a limp, wafer-thin slice of meat and stale bun. Same for movies. Stop lying! Where’s the Beef? Stop putting the meat in the trailer and then not the film!!

OK, I want to hear from you readers – what film had a trailer that made you die to see the film only to be massively disappointed? See, guys (and by guys I mean any and all of you editing and producing the trailer), the trailer is supposed to make me see the film, yes. But, it is not supposed to be better than the film (recent “Star Wars”).

Trailer making has become a business itself. And yes, it’s a creative endeavor to get so much into 1-2 minutes or less. But how about a little truth in advertising? Here’s an example: “Couples Retreat: It’s a crappy little romantic comedy that is just like all the others but Vince Vaugh and John Favreau just wanted to do another movie together, and Faizon Love has no idea what comedy means, but otherwise, it’s fair to middling.”
There you go, now we know what we are getting and we can make our own decisions. It’s like a restaurant, when I ask the waitress about a special, or dish, I want an honest answer so I don’t spend a bunch of money on something I may not like.

Do you have any idea how many movies make initial big box office numbers and thus fulfill their financial concerns only to see the numbers drop significantly because word is out on how much the movie sucks? A LOT OF THEM! I consider that “stealing”.

It’s like those businesses that use language on their websites or brochures “We are the #1, industry leading, best, etc. etc.” Oh give me a break. Show me the EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE, the research, the PROOF! How about the truth for once: instead of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” the factual alternative “It’s Clear This Is Not Actual Butter, But as far as Substitutes Go, It’s Not Bad”.

Follow these simple rules and I may be surprised in your favor at the box office. And that would benefit us both in the long run. Because I personally think consumers are getting smarter. And we are beginning to see through your ruse and can now pick out the duds in a heartbeat. This means less initial profit on opening weekend and beyond.

So suck it up, suck it in and get honest. Or, here’s the real kicker, take the time to make better movies and then the trailer won’t really matter, we’ll just go because we know you and your movies are good. Unless, of course, you turn South and start to make duds (Shyamalan). Oops, did I forget to edit that? Just like some stuff you could have kept out of your trailers so I could once again enjoy the love of a good plot twist.

NO-SEE LIST

“Cinematic Litmus Test”

THE MIDDLE SEAT: Column by Steve Matuszak

This week’s column is an outrageous sidetrack of time, energy and thought – and an impromptu diatribe inspired by a response to last week’s column.

“Jay” suggested, in response to my raging and elongated epithet about people who don’t “get” movies, that we should create a list of those people so cinema houses don’t let them in.

Well, for this week’s column, I’d like to elaborate on that list as well as expand to other lists that might serve our industry, and many others, well.

First let me say I love the idea of an exclusionary list. And the precedent has already been set. No one thought anything of it when the TSA created a “no-fly” list. If we have prior knowledge you are a no-good, dangerous person – then you do not get to go on a plane.

Why can’t we make this work for movies? Sure, there are abuses to every system, and sometimes good people will get excluded, but that is the nature of human systems – they are imperfect yet, at times, effective.

Now, while many who read this may disagree with my methodology for how we determine who gets on the list, I am wide open for tweaks and improvements. My initial thought is, we come up with a basic questionnaire, designed by people who enjoy and understand the art of cinema, and anyone who fails it gets put on the list.

Here are some sample questions. Must a movie always have a happy ending where everything works out in the end?

If they answer yes – their name goes on the list and we are never again bothered by the intellectually and artistically disingenuous banter of these people ever again.

Or how about, “Is Keanu Reeves a multi-faceted, depth filled, layered actor?”

A yes gets you on the list. Or vice versa, “Is Javier Bardem a good actor?” If they have never even heard of Javier, they go on the list. See how this works?

Or, keep it simple – “I enjoyed Catwoman, In the Name of The King, Glitter, Boat Trip, Showgirls, Battlefield Earth or Gigli”. A yes to any of those (and many more – add yours in the comments below!!) puts you on the list.

While we are at it, I have always wanted a similar list for actors and actresses in general. When I was working as a professional actor in Chicago, one of the most annoying things I can remember is having to spend half of my day waiting at an audition for a commercial where, after paying $28 for parking and buying yourself a crappy lunch, you had to enter a cramped room and “bite and chew” for 6 seconds then leave. To those who have not experienced this belittling and unnecessary endeavor, it means you “audition” for a commercial in which all you have to do is bite into a sandwich and then smile.

I often asked, why can’t clients just look at headshots and choose the look they want? This is what they are going for anyway, a certain look. The casting agents would often say, “Well, to be honest, we need to be sure the particular actor/actress can pull it off.”

“What?” But, I must admit, they were right! I have seen actors and actresses who could not even handle appearing “real” at eating a sandwich, so the clients and agents couldn’t trust hiring off of the headshot alone. So, I say we need a list of capable actors that have proven they can handle smiling into a camera without looking like they are socially handicapped.

So, what do we do? Easy, we have ONE yearly audition in which actors and actresses must prove they have basic acting skills and then they get to go into the “pool” of trusted headshots that clients can freely choose from knowing the performer, who has the “look” they want, will also be able to handle the role. Just get some great acting teachers, agents, directors, etc. to watch everyone once a year and weed out the overacting, non-nuanced numbskulls.

And why stop there? Let’s make all sorts of lists! Now look, we are talking about the arts here, not politics. This is not McCarthyism, it is Darwinism, where we simply weed out the folks who have not genetically or creatively evolved are holding our art form back.

If we are wise enough to weed out the people that think Crouching Tiger was “unrealistic” from attending movies, let’s weed out every single person who produced and directed “Kazaam”!

Of course, with the advent of the internet and cheaper cameras and editing software, we have a Wild West of cinematic crap and crap-loving digital audiences to wrangle as well.

I want a list of customer service reps so that, when I call Verizon or any similar company on the phone, I get someone who is able to listen to my needs and respond accordingly. And how about a list for insurance people, and lawyers and toll booth operators and … Oh man, wait, how about REPORTERS and NEWS ANCHORS. If they engage in stupid, un-witty banter and lame attempts at transitioning to and from serious stories, they go on the list!

So, I want to hear from you – what lists would you like to create beyond “No-Fly” and “No-See” (for movies)? Any other genres or individuals you’d like to see the mighty hand of evolutionary forces choose for natural, artistic selection?

Bring it on because The Middle Seat just got hot and is burning the seats around it to make LESS ROOM for the culturally uninformed!

YOU HAVE CHOSEN…..WISELY

“What Do You Have a Taste For?”

THE MIDDLE SEAT: Column by Steve Matuszak

I am deeply grateful for many things in my marriage, not the least of which is that I don’t have to, for the most part, any longer deal with getting a group of people to choose a movie.

From the dawn of silent films, humans have had to navigate the treacherous social waters of yet another group entertainment decision. And movie or no movie, getting any group to make any decision is like trying to get a child’s toy packaging open – it’s not easy!

Think about getting a group of friends to choose a restaurant. “Where do you want to go? What do you have a taste for?”, you ask. Each friend answers, “I don’t care, anything”. (No one is willing to make the decision). “OK, then how about Mexican?”, you bravely venture. “No!”, someone inevitably answers. “I thought you didn’t care!”, you retort. “I don’t, just not that”, they say. And it goes on endlessly like this.

Well, movies are no different. People simply have different tastes. And choosing a movie is much like culinary taste because, let’s face it, you are just in a certain mood for certain kinds of movies at certain times.

So take all of those different opinions and try to get a consensus on a movie – it aint gonna happen! Ok, so … do you split up and see different films? “But then we are not all doing something together!” someone will demand. Well, I say … sorry, life involves compromise.

Heck, it’s hard to choose a movie yourself when wandering around Blockbuster on a rental night (another soon-to-be-bygone experience). “Am I in the mood for a ‘turn-my-mind-off-and-not-have-to-work’ action flick or a romantic comedy?”. Now imagine taking the dynamic, appetite of any movie viewing individual and try pairing it up with another person.

This is where dating (and even married) couples run into trouble. The guy must ask himself, “Am I willing to subdue my desire for swordplay in order to impress my girlfriend and watch some slow-paced Merchant/Ivory with Keira Knightley?”. Likewise, women must ask themselves, “Can I handle Jason Statham for two grueling hours?”.

And this dynamic, delicate communication starts early and carries throughout the evening. First, the dialogue begins when the thought of going out to a movie is introduced. And it usually starts with “It depends, what’s playing?” This is why renting a movie is even more treacherous than going to the theatres because, when renting, EVERYTHING is playing!

Soon after “What’s playing?” is asked, someone must look up the schedule. Now, in my day, this was done by getting the local paper and checking out the movie theatre ads with movies and show time listings. I then graduated to hearing the often-imitated (including by myself) “Moviefone” guy. “Hello and welcome to Moviefone. If you know the name of the movie you’d like to see, press 1. If you know the name of the theatre, press 2”. You have to imagine the deep, elongated way he said “yoooouu” to really appreciate this audio icon.
But let’s get real, only my mother-in-law still checks the newspaper (and yellow pages!) for information. So, nowadays, the guy or girl gets on Fandango. Then comes the quite lengthy “reading off of the movies” followed by the non-readers verbal, nonverbal and gutteral reactions and subsequent reactions and explanations from the reader.

(Guy reading) “OK, there’s … ugh … ‘The Fighter’“
(Woman responds) “NO, I don’t want see a bunch of guys punching each other.”
“Honey, it’s up for tons of Academy Awards and is about the guy’s family who …”
“No, it’s too violent. What else?”
“There’s ‘True Grit’!”
“Does anyone shoot anyone else?”
“Well, it’s a Western remake. I am sure somebody shoots somebody but that’s not what the movie is about, it’s about redemption and …
“Shooting people, no thanks. What else.
“Uh, there’s … ‘Tangled’. No, there’s also …”
“Ohhh wait, let’s see that!”
“I don’t want to see a cartoon Disney Film.”
“It’s computer animated.”
“It’s a cartoon. OK, how about …”

And it goes on from there. But, the rental choice is even worse. You have to decide on what section of the store (or Netflix online genre category) you are even going to begin looking in! These are important, complex relationship interactions and should not be taken lightly.

Now, there is an alternative here folks, one that my wife and I use on occasion. We sometimes, (hold your breath Valentines’ Rights Activists) watch separate movies! Now, we don’t do that when we go out to the theatre. But, I have a question – “Is watching the same movie really being together?” I think it is (although I expect absolute quiet from myself, my date/wife and every other being in my proximity – see last column). What do you think?

Now, when it comes to rentals, if my wife and I decide that, on a given evening, we have two different appetites, we simply rent two different movies and watch them in different rooms (much the same for cable tv movie and programming choices as well). Now, again, we do not do this all the time. It just depends on our mood(s). What do you do?

And here’s the million dollar question – What do you do when a group cannot decide? Do you split up? Do you push through and find compromise? Do you blame the leader if the compromise film stinks? I want to hear from you. Do you have groups of friends, coworkers, family members etc. that have an easy or difficult time making decisions?

You wanna know something crazy, as much as I love going out to movies with my wife, friends, etc., the greatest time I ever had at a movie (not the best movie, just best experience) was when I saw “What Dreams May Come” in a theatre while travelling and I had the entire place to myself. I was the only one. Story to come. Ever have that? Look, decisions must be made. And if your taste buds are not meshing with mine, let’s order separate entrees. Of course, there will be plenty of times we can split a plate as well.

DOWN IN FRONT

“Where you Wanna Sit?”

THE MIDDLE SEAT: Column by Steve Matuszak

We have a lot of controversial ground to cover as we kick of the first article of this column by explaining the title – which is where I like to sit! And here’s why. I need to see the movie straight on. And that’s not just at the theatre. I will go for any seat in any living room that gives me the most centered view of a movie.

Plus, I don’t want people crawling over me or passing in front of me when they go back for more concessions or the bathroom. If you can’t hold it for two hours, stay at home – or, time your beverage intake better. It’s possible people! This goes back to an issue you will hear from me time and again – I do not want anything to distract me from the, if it’s a good film, “willing suspension of disbelief” that the movie and I have mutually created.

I never go the bathroom during a movie, even a bad one … ever! I also never get refills unless I have consumed it all during the trailers. Ever do that? I need to experience the film from frame one to end credits as a complete, uninterrupted thought.

On airplanes, at church and everywhere else, however, people tend to prefer the aisle. But on a plane, I am a window guy because I don’t want distractions there either like the flight attendants bumping my shoulder as they go by or people hitting me on head with luggage.

I think the aisle seat anywhere is a bit of a “non-commital” choice. And here’s why! First, it’s like hanging out in the kitchen at a party – you don’t want to really be committed to being fully at the party. It’s a social-psychology issue. People want to check out a party and, if it’s “no good,” feel as if they were never really “there” (which would equal sitting in the living room or any other room deeper in the home/apartment). Come on, who drifts to the kitchen at a party? And why? I know you are out there and have your reasons.

People who always want the aisle seat are usually looking for a quick way out before or at the end, whether it’s a movie or other experience. They want to get to their car quickly at the end of a concert or amusement park day – “I am not sitting in THAT traffic!” The aisle is more about prepping to leave than staying for the duration. Come on, who does it? Why?

Airplane-aisle-people want go to the bathroom easier and have more body room in addition to getting off the plane a little quicker. Either way, there are aisle people, and then there are window people. Which one are you? There are probably a few “middle seat on a plane” people. They should be watched closely and get an extra pat down in security.

And people tend to be territorial about where they sit for all types of events. This is true for places we visit frequently – a classroom, church, local movie theatre and such. People tend to go back to the same seat or same seating area of the room. I am territorial with my middle seat in theatres, but otherwise I like to mix it up in class or other places, just to see and experience things from a different vantage point (which, by the way, was a lousy film). Are you territorial or do you mix it up? Bring it!!! Here’s a litmus test for territoriality, you either get mad when you see people in “your (public) seat” or you believe that, since you shoveled it, the street parking space is yours (Chicagoans, you know what I mean).

Ok, I know what you are all thinking, “What about up front or in back?” Well, I like the middle OF the middle. But, if need be, I can crane my neck up and watch a movie from up front. I can also watch from the back if I must. I can improvise and go with the flow.

There are those who must sit up front and those who must sit in the back. I say the back-sitters are more obstinate. Which one are you? Hey back-sitters, whatever your reasons you need to hear this from someone who has spent a career onstage, especially in comedy and improvisation – MOVE UP! The live performing arts need your energy and we can’t feel it if you are all spread out and far away. For movies, it’s ok, but not for comedy. It’s says ”Hey, I am here to have fun through watching others get involved, but not me!” Life is what happens down on the field, not just in the stands – get in the game! All the world’s a stage.

I’m glad I got that off my chest. I’ve probably stirred a hornet’s nest so let’s get even more down and dirty. If the theatre has very few people, do not sit right in front of me! That’s creepy and rude. There are lots of empty seats. You should get a security pat down as well.

And what is this bizarre phenomenon known as the “guy seat?” I was introduced to this a few years back in Chicago by a male friend. When I sat next to him he said, “Dude … what are you doing?” “I am sitting down to watch the movie,” I innocently retorted. “No way man … can I have a guy seat please?” he exclaimed. He then explained how (some) men must have an empty seat between them and another man with whom they are viewing a film. Since when did touching shoulders become uncomfortable? Imagine these guys on a plane! Guys, do any of you demand the “guy seat?” Girls, you don’t care do you?

And movies for first dates can be difficult when you both enter the theatre and begin to “feel each other out” for where you like to sit. Relationships have ended on this potentially non-negotiable issue. How awkward when you discover you have very different preferences. Tell us your story. What about dating/marriages with different seat preference partners? How do you work it out? Do you wander around for a while?

And now there are theatres that charge more to choose your seat? Scam or convenience? And let’s not forget stadium seating. I will not even go to a movie theatre unless they have stadium seating, or at least a slight rake to the audience. Come on people – rake your theatres! All new Cineplexes tend to have stadium seating style. Wait, don’t tell me …. someone out there does not like stadium seating?? Why?? … Security! Pat down!!!

Yeah, there are a lot of side issues to this one issue, but let’s face it – people care about where they sit. So, if I have scratched an itch, poked a wound or walked on hallowed ground, then let me know! That’s what this column is about. I want to hear your comments and especially give you a chance to read each other’s comments. Agree, disagree or just tell a relevant story. You are all co-authors. (And yeah, I use lots of exclamation points and italics, deal with it!!!) So … sit wherever you like but, given the choice, I don’t want any angles and I want to sit, stay and watch right down the middle!