THE PLURAL OF CRAP

Predators

1/2*

Review by Justin Bowler

Easily the worst “Predator” movie of the franchise (And THAT is saying something)!

SPOILER ALERT! THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE AND I GIVE SPECIFIC EXAMPLES. (With that said, I still recommend you read the review and save yourself 1.5 hours of your life.)

Some movies I can accept as bad and move on without being exceptionally harsh. However, when Hollywood reboots/re-imagines/capitalizes-on property that already exists, naturally it merits a comparison to the original. So, I feel completely justified in examining every excremental ingredient that went into creating this boiling hot pot of fecal stew.

It seems to me that a filmmaker really has to go out of his way to make a film this bad. It is one of the worst films I have seen in a long, long, LONG, L-O-N-G TIME! It isn’t just bad. It is the trifecta of bad. It has terrible over-acting, excruciatingly awful writing, and beyond unbearable direction. I almost feel as if the whole world isn’t in on the massive joke that Robert Rodriguez and Nimrod Antal are playing on us. Let us take a look at each leg of this fantastically awful film.

The acting…

While I personally think Adrien Brody is an exceptional actor who not only earned his Oscar, but also had an extremely emotional and awesome acceptance speech, his talents were lost in this film. Clearly, he was directed to play this character as “tough”. And as everyone knows, all tough characters speak in raspy and gravelly voices. Unfortunately, Adrian’s was better suited for a sex hotline, than an action hero. With many laugh out loud moments, he delivers a particularly good comedic performance.

The Writing…

I have a 7-year old nephew, Jeffrey, and I have heard the dialogue he uses when he is playing with his Batman action figures. Now, I can’t personally verify that he was hired to write the dialogue for this film, but I have a pretty good idea that he did. Oh, I’m not saying he came up with the storyline. That would be absurd, he’s only 7. However, with the low level of dialogue in this film, one wonders if the writer was either a child (who has only seen low budget crappy action films from Bulgaria), or if the writer speaks English as a second language AND his only writing credits actually include… low budget crappy action films from Bulgaria (You make the call… the writers don’t have many credits on IMDB). (But, my sister has been calling my nephew “Alex” a lot lately.) (Hmmm.)

The Direction…

Shouldn’t the director see the plot holes if the writer doesn’t? Early in the film, one of the characters, who was aware of the 1987 “Predator” event, conveys that the only survivor covered himself in mud so he would not be seen by the Predator. Well, the experienced warrior, or the smart warrior, or even the slightly better than retarded warrior, would immediately cover himself with mud. Instead, our “heroes” completely disregard this info altogether (thus making the entire conversation pointless). (BTW, a good writer would have cut the pointless dialogue.) (But, really, I can’t expect my 7-year old nephew to think of everything, so I blame the director.) Next, the “heroes” come across a Predator’s gun, cloaking helmet, and body armor. After seeing it demonstrated on a human (so they can see that THEY CAN USE it), they disregard it, instead they, apparently, load up on some random FLARES. (Understand, these weren’t super flares. They weren’t magic flares. They weren’t even good flares. They were just flares. (You know the kind… the ones that light up the area, alert the Predator to your position, and then go out 15 seconds later.)) Finally (and the most absurd), in the finale, our “hero” has the drop on the Predator… I will set the scene. First, Adrien Brody takes off his shirt. (There is no reason for this, other than we needed to see he is more than just a guy with a tough voice.) Second, he lights everything on fire. This is so the evil Predator won’t be able to see anything with his heat sensitive vision (Remotely clever, I’ll admit). Then, it gets a little unclear… I’m not sure if the Predator forgets how to take off his helmet so he can look at things with regular eyes… or if the Predator just is too intimidated to look on Adrian Brody with his shirt off, but FOR SOME REASON the Predator keeps his helmet on, remaining “blind” so Adrien can go after him with a hatchet. (Yes, that’s right, I said hatchet.) “Why not a gun?” you ask. EXCELLENT QUESTION!!!!!!! It wasn’t because he didn’t have one, because he did, less than THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE. Yet, he uses a hatchet, and the Predator gets the drop on him. Then, it is up to someone else to pick up the gun Adrien should have used in the first place. The entire sequence is stupid, contrived and amateur. But, at the same time, that is so representative of the entire film. And these are just highlights. I have not even mentioned the overused camera shots to “show suspense” and the absurd and unnecessary twists in the story.

I am very surprised that Robert Rodriguez had his fingers in this fresh, hot baked pie of crap.

Skip it. (And tell your friends to skip it.) (In fact, tell strangers on the street to skip it while you are at it.) I give it half of a star.

Directed by: Nimrod Antal
Release Date: July 9, 2010
Run Time: 107 Minutes
Country: USA
Rated: R
Distributor: Twentieth Century Fox

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