NOTHING SAYS “PERSIAN” LIKE JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

*

Review by Paul Preston

Did Jerry Bruckheimer produce “Prince of Persia”? Yes. Does it look like he did? Yes. Is that because it’s good? No.

Have you ever Googled Jerry Bruckheimer? Sure, it’s a profitable resume, but it’s full of bad movies, successful or not: “Days of Thunder”, “Pearl Harbor”, “Gone in Sixty Seconds”, “Bad Company”, “Déjà vu”, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” and “G-Force”. All bad. But still, his films will be touted as “From the producer of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’”. Oh, yeah! The FIRST one was GREAT!

That’s the problem with Jerry. You could make a list of equally good movies he’s made because money and size don’t seem to be an issue with his projects: “Beverly Hills Cop”, “Black Hawk Down”, “Crimson Tide”, “American Gigolo” and “The Ref”.

If the pendulum swings between good and bad with each film, “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” is a definite swing towards the bad. And although there are levels of ineptitude throughout the movie, greenlighting this awful project falls first on Bruckheimer. I blame him.

By now, this movie is three plus weeks old. I was so uninspired in ANY way by this movie, I couldn’t even bring myself to write about it until today. Unfortunately, the awkward scenes and over-production etched in my brain haven’t left my noggin since I saw it. I think I was also secretly hoping that might happen…

“Prince of Persia” was directed by the once-great Mike Newell, a director known for relationship comedies and dramas like “Enchanted April”, “Four Weddings and a Funeral” and the outstanding “Donnie Brasco”. In 2005, he tasted big-budget action moviemaking by helming “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” and now, apparently, is hooked, as he returns to bring the Ubisoft videogame “Prince of Persia” to life with unintelligible flair.

The climax and finale of this movie don’t make sense. If you like special effects, there are plenty of them to distract you from the fact that what you’re watching DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Previous setups get ignored, characters act irrationally, it just doesn’t make any sense and the worst part is that I want to go into detail about how much it fails to follow comprehension, but I’d be invoking spoilers. As a critic, I feel the need to adhere to the don’t-spoil-it mantra, and I feel icky remaining beholden to something that doesn’t make sense.

The performances aren’t good, either, and fail to save the film. Jake Gyllenhaal has beefed himself up to play an action hero (I already thought he was beefed up for “Jarhead”, a much more worthy film to get ripped for). My history with Jake is spotty. When he first came on the scene, he bored me to tears in movies like “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Moonlight Mile”. It seemed, however, that he was turning things around with “Jarhead” and “Brokeback Mountain”. Alas, the pendulum has swung here, too, and poor Jake just looks lost as the hero/warrior type. He stumbles his large frame around the desert with no real charm and no chemistry with Gemma Arterton.

Arterton is saddled with playing the worst kind of character in this type of action movie. She spends the majority of her on-screen time spouting (loudly) the rules of the mystical dagger that stirs up trouble in the film with its ability to turn back time. She’s always yelling shit like, “THE DAGGER MUST BE RETURNED TO THE MYSTICAL CAVE WHERE ONLY THE ONE WHO IS CHOSEN CAN ENTER WITH IT.” Boring. Brain-cavingly dull stuff.

Alfred Molina adds decent humor to the proceedings and Ben Kingsley adds clout, but not much else. That leaves a bunch of character actors playing Gyllenhaal’s brothers, all vying for the throne. Two weird things about that:
- They mostly overact in that “Let me at ‘em” kind of way when discussing overthrowing a neighboring kingdom
- And they’re all British. It’s that thing again where all the Persians speak with a British dialect. I get it, Ben Kingsley’s British, but Jake Gyllenhaal actually ADDS a British dialect to be a more authentic PERSIAN. Again, weird.

I suppose the stakes shouldn’t be high when going to an adaptation of a video game. I can see why they went to Bruckheimer. They want a hit. I wanted a good movie.

The El Capitan Theater in Hollywood had, on display, the magical dagger that turns back time. Should I:
- Kill myself with it after seeing “Prince of Persia”?
or
- Go back in time and stop Disney from making it?

Directed by: Mike Newell
Release Date: May 28, 2010
Run Time: 116 Minutes
Country: USA
Rated: PG-13
Distributor: Walt Disney Pictures

OFFICIAL TRAILER