Don’t Know Much About History

By Steven Lewis

Quentin Tarantino’s “Inglourious Basterds” was undoubtedly one of the most accomplished and entertaining films to play in theaters last year. Yet its ending opens up such a messy can of worms, it’s kind of worth considering apart from the film itself. If you don’t already know about that finale by now (and for God’s sake stop reading at this point if you don’t – or at least consider yourself warned), Quentin essentially alters the ending of World War II (European theater, anyway). He has his “basterds” successfully infiltrate and blow up a movie theater attended by Adolf Hitler and all of his top brass. End of the Nazi power structure, in one neat and clean stroke.

Now, Quentin seems to always find a way to smuggle audacious scenes or plot developments into his movies and make them work. But even for him, this is a doozy – and I’m hard-pressed to explain why it doesn’t bother me. It should, shouldn’t it? I should at least feel – shouldn’t I? – that the Academy should have snubbed the script at Oscar time, withholding a nomination as penalty for such a blatant crime against history.

I mean, it’s not like the film does anything “intelligent” with this re-write of the facts – like use it as a springboard to create an alternative history, such as many sci-fi stories do. No, it simply uses it as an action climax – deciding that the defeat of the Nazis deserves a bigger bang for the modern cineplex crowd. Makes you wonder how a “Die Hard” film where John McClane single-handedly averts the 9/11 terrorist attacks would play. Or another World War II thriller where daring undercover American operatives kidnap Emperor Hirohito and ransom him for Japan’s surrender – thus ending the conflict in the Pacific without need for America’s A-bomb drops on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

But hey, if we’re gonna re-write here, let’s re-write something that REALLY calls out for it. Tarantino himself would be the ideal candidate, in fact, to write and direct “The Passion of the Christ, Volume 2″. You know, the one where Jesus rises after three days to go on a bloody rampage against all those who set him up and sold him out? I mean, come on! – the actions of Uma Thurman’s Bride would be as nothing compared to the supernatural Wrath of God shit that Jesus Christ would have at his disposal to reign down (to say nothing of the six years of FX and CGI improvements that QT would have at HIS disposal to portray all of it). And it would finally give the Gospels the dramatic action finale they’ve been crying out for, for the last 2,000 years.

But perhaps I overstate. Maybe the reason “Inglourious Basterds” does not inspire (or warrant) outrage about its ending is that, even though Tarantino altered the facts, he didn’t alter the outcome. After all, he doesn’t make the Nazis WIN the war, does he? And he even takes care to set the main action of the story late in the conflict – close enough to the REAL end to make an audience member plausibly say “Ok, the Nazis are just a matter of months from losing anyway — this isn’t a SERIOUS breach of history . . . ah, what the hell, let’s just give it to him. OK, in Quentin’s universe this is how the war ended – I can live with that.”

In which case, here are a few alterations of my own I’d like to suggest to any would-be makers of historical epics. They wouldn’t change anything drastically – just simply allow the documented outcomes to “play” a little better, movie-wise:

* “Washington’s Last Stand” – This could be an exciting, emotionally stirring movie about George Washington coming out of retirement to lead American forces against the British in the War of 1812. True, Washington had actually been dead for thirteen years at the time, but that shouldn’t be allowed to get in the way of a surefire hit narrative. Think of it: Washington in his old age, having already served his country nobly as warrior, statesman and president, is roused out of the civilian comfort he has so justly earned by yet another British invasion. Reluctantly, but with grim determination, he laces his boots up one last time and repels the limey hordes once again, dying gloriously on the field of battle. Not a dry eye in the house – guaranteed!

* “Inglourious Coloreds” – We all know (don’t we?) that the South was eventually brought to its knees in the Civil War by the scorched earth campaign of General Tecumseh Sherman – his famous “March To the Sea” (from Atlanta to Savannah, Georgia) destroyed all Southern property in its wake. It was a savage, bloody campaign which applied the concept of “total war” for perhaps the first time in American military history. And wouldn’t it make a cool movie for it to instead be waged by an all-BLACK regiment of soldiers? We know – if not from history, then certainly from the movie “Glory” – that such regiments existed by the end of the conflict. Why not set it up so that the powers that be decide to set one loose to wreak maximum carnage: The South laid waste by the very people it had been enslaving! “I want me some Confederate scalps!” I can practically hear Brad Pitt exclaiming to his charges, as the defiant General Sherman himself. Throw in Samuel Jackson as well as a cool posse of rappers-turned-thespians as the soldiers and you’ve got yourself a crossover hit of massive proportions.

* “Reagan’s Heroes” – No one’s ever made a movie about the end of the Cold War – and no one ever will. Know why? There’s nothing sexy about it. No final climactic event to really send things out with a bang and get audiences cheering. Oh sure, there’s the Berlin Wall coming down – but then, America didn’t really have anything to do with that. Or did we? Suppose we’d actually sent in a crack team of covert operatives – a secret team recruited by Ronald Reagan himself before he left office – to slip in behind East German lines, act as agitators, and get the populace riled up enough to push for a final breakthrough. Sounds plausible to me. Or at least entertaining.

As you can see, history truly has so many wonderful stories for filmmakers to tell. And these increase exponentially if they allow themselves the freedom of not being constrained by the facts. Thanks again, Quentin for showing us the way!