Sunday, May 26, 12:59 am
ARCHIVES BY YEAR
- CONTACT US
The Movie Guys Contact Info
- CONTACT US
Sunday, May 26, 12:59 am
The Movie Guys Contact Info
If we’re anything in this world, The Movie Guys are Twitics! We’ll give you the lowdown on what’s in theaters…..in 140 characters or less.
Easy to read, easy to pass on. Follow The Movie Guys on Twitter at
and get the latest sent right to wherever you are….’cause we’re watching you. What are you watching?
G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
The first big-screen adventure for the military force, unless you count 2009′s THE RISE OF COBRA, but who would?
OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN
Starts as a drama, ends up DIE HARD. Wait, DIE HARD breaking out is ALWAYS the best thing that can happen to a movie!
TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION
Sounds like a line of celebrity cologne. The scent that’ll make you smell like money & crap out two movies a year.
It’s animated, which means Nicolas Cage has finally been banned from our eyes.
We’d tell you what it’s about, but who wants a whole lot of plot getting in the way of staring at Halle Berry for two hours?
THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE
A movie about magic? My god, Doug Henning is rolling over in Harry Blackstone’s grave and then escaping from Houdini’s.
THE LAST EXORCISM, PART 2
Apparently, not “Last” as in “final”, but “Last” as in “proximity to right now” as in “my last Pap smear”.
21 AND OVER
It’s License to Drink And Drive as kids who will be able to drink forever somehow have to cram it all into one night.
JACK THE GIANT SLAYER
Fee Fi Fo Fuck this CGI.
In the past, Nicholas Sparks films have cast Channing Tatum. Here you get Josh Duhamel. We’re pretty sure you won’t notice.
ESCAPE FROM PLANET EARTH
Now playing in 2D, 3D & RealD 3D, so if there’s not enough room at your multiplex for documentaries, you know why.
A HAUNTED HOUSE
Warning sign. Marlon Wayans couldn’t even get Shawn Wayans to be in this.
ZERO DARK THIRTY
Are we the only ones put off by this film’s Oscar campaign?: “Vote for us or the terrorists win”
One of the first projects they’ve actually taken the 3D OUT of.
Another 3-hour walking adventure. These movies would be over so much quicker if the cast was tall enough to take a full stride.
PLAYING FOR KEEPS
Will Jessica Biel & Gerard Butler get together? See this romantic comedy, or any romantic comedy, to find out.
BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD
The story of poor people who live a delta area known as The Bathtub…then they invent jazz or something.
LIFE OF PI
Otherwise known as WE SANK A ZOO.
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, PT 2
Haven’t seen any of these films. Yet I hate them. Makes me thank god I don’t have a teenage daughter
See it quickly, it needs to clear theaters to make room for another Tyler Perry movie in two weeks.
In “Argo”, there’s violence in the Middle East! It’s a story ripped from today’s headlines. Or any day’s headlines.
Or, “Taken 2: More Takener”, “Look Who’s Taken Now”, “Taken, Too”, “Taken 2: The Streets” and “Taken 2: The Limit (One More Time)”
I liked this movie better when it was called ROBOCOP. As a matter of fact, I like most movies better when they’re called ROBOCOP.
RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION
It’s the video game…that was turned into a movie…that was turned into a video game.
THE EXPENDABLES 2
This isn’t your father’s action movie. This is your grandfather’s action movie…
THE BOURNE LEGACY
No Matt Damon in this one. Now they have Jeremy Renner. Looks like the franchise wanted to go in a new same direction.
STEP UP: REVOLUTION
The most least-anticipated film franchise of the summer is back!
ICE AGE: CONTINENTAL DRIFT
Hey! Did you see “Happy Feet”? No! Well, here’s your chance! Seriously…we’re pretty sure they’re the same.
KATY PERRY: PART OF ME
The movie covers how she’s not like all the other vapid pop stars, unless you count how long her marriages last.
Just when you were thinking of starting a conspiracy theory over what happened to Oliver Stone’s career, he’s back! And to the left
Know what’s great about Channing Tatum movies? If you don’t like the one you’re watching, you can go next door and try that one out.
I lost some of the dialogue during this picture. It’d be so much easier if those crazy Scottish would just speak English.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER
This is what happens when somebody says “Bet you can’t make a movie called ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER”
ROCK OF AGES
The subplot of #rockofages is gentrifying Sunset Blvd, spoiler alert, it happened #saddleranch -aw
ROCK OF AGES
“Rock of Ages” was like karaoke rock night sponsored by Purell -aw
My review of #Prometheus is that it exists. Doesn’t sound like a compliment, but, how great is it that it exits!?
Just watched JOHN CARTER again today, on a plane. Let the record state that it is not a bad movie, just bad at making money. -PP
PROMETHEUS: Apparently LOST writer Damon Lindelof is unaware that with a movie, you don’t get seven seasons to have things make sense. -PP
THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS
THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS: Apparently leprosy groups are protesting this movie. I could’ve sworn we had that leprosy thing licked.
Help us out here. Better title for a documentary about the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination contenders: BULLY or THE THREE STOOGES?
GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE
I might be the only person at Ghost Rider tonight, but I’m def. the only person psyching myself up by watching the first one -aw
ONE FOR THE MONEY
ONE FOR THE MONEY: With luck, this will become a successful franchise and we’ll eventually get to see GO, CAT, GO! Sequels, am I right? -JF
THE TREE OF LIFE
Going to bed after watching “The Tree of Life”, hoping for pretentious dreams -aw
Okay I’ll see “Hugo” again, but only because it’s a masterpiece -aw
ALBERT’S NOBB: It’s like these porn parody titles write themselves. -JF
TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY
TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY: We especially liked the “Tailor” section. Never before has a 30-minute suit-fitting been so riveting. -JF
SHAME: This movie is rated NC-17; which means either we are going to see some dick, or someone smoked a cigarette.
YOUNG ADULT: Charlize Theron’s performance eviscerates the American ideal of female self-worth and beauty. Also, she’s friggin’ HOT, yo! -JF
NEW YEAR’S EVE
NEW YEAR’S EVE: Sorry, Garry Marshall, “Halloween” is already a franchise.
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN: THE SECRET OF THE UNICORN
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN: Looks like it’s not a hit domestically. So, is Robert Zemeckis A) Pissed or B) Laughing his ass off?
WE BOUGHT A ZOO
WE BOUGHT A ZOO: Shrouded in a veil of secrecy, the top-secret plot to this film has us baffled. If only the title provided a clue. – JF
SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS
SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS: Guy Ritchie – Madonna = People see his movies again.
THE MUPPETS: Proving the overwhelming power of the Muppets, Starship’s “We Built This City” is in the film, & somehow it doesn’t suck. -JF
MELANCHOLIA: Finally, Lars Von Trier makes a movie that addresses the feeling that audiences have when they pay to see his films. -JF
X-MEN: FIRST CLASS
X-MEN: 1ST CLASS: Something we noticed – Darwin, who blends in so he won’t be noticed, walks around in life as a young black man in the ’60s
FRIGHT NIGHT: Our Seismic Center reports that east coast movie-goers may have felt aftershocks from FN’s box-office bomb this weekend. -JF
THE CHANGE-UP: Arose from long spitball session. Fastball did the soundtrack. Plot has many curveballs. Actors fed exclusively sliders. -JF
CONAN THE BARBARIAN 3D
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Fun fact! All of the 642 extras in this new version of the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic are his children. – JF
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Early Box Office reports are so good that CORPORAL ANTARCTICA has already gotten the greenlight! – JF
LARRY CROWNE: This just in: LARRY CROWNE’s title changed to LARRY CROWNE: SCOOTER RIDER. Seems focus groups recommended less ambiguity. -JF
JUDY MOODY AND THE NOT BUMMER SUMMER
Judy Moody is a Coming of Age movie for kids who are coming of whatever age annoys guys like me.
KINGS OF PASTRY
“Kings Of Pastry” was like a chocolate croissant from Dunkin Donuts. Good concept, poor product. – PWM
Saw RIO at the drive-in theatre. My 16 year old fell asleep. My 3 year old was bored. And my wife played Angry Birds. The End. -DH
Saw SUCKER PUNCH today. Not sure who masturbated more, me or Zack Snyder. -PP
BATTLE: LOS ANGELES
BATTLE: LOS ANGELES: Something for everyone. Because everyone will have seen at least one of the movies it’s ripping off… -PP
BATTLE: LOS ANGELES
Imagine if “Black Hawk Down” was completely unrealistic. And with Aliens. – JB
The best lesson to take away from “Winter’s Bone” – never go to Missouri – PP
THE TILLMAN STORY
“The Tillman Story” joins “No End in Sight” as must-see docs detailing the lost years of 2001-2008. – PWM
THE EDGE OF LOVE
“The Edge of Love”: If Cillian Murphy and Keira Knightley had a baby, would it be just one big cheekbone? – *1/2 – PWM
“Salt” made the last three seasons of “24″ seem believable. – PWM
THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE
“The Girlfriend Experience” – relationships, like sex, are messy and require transparency. Also true for most Soderbergh films. – PWM
NEVER LET ME GO
“Never Let Me Go” asks the question ‘do cloned organ donors have souls?’ 1 thing fo sho, Keira Knightley has cheekbones. -PWM
STEP UP 3D
…On the positive side, Step Up 3D is…in 3D?
THE LAST AIRBENDER
THE LAST AIRBENDER is an enjoyable and entertaining story…that, of course, is before M. Night Shyamalan got a hold of it…
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE is better than the previous two films in the series…much like “caning” is to “hanging” or “firing squad”
GET HIM TO THE GREEK
“Get Him To The Greek” stars 2 actors from “Sarah Marshall…” yet oddly only 1 of their characters? and… …it’s kinda’ good…
THE KARATE KID
It is called “Karate Kid” because “Kung-Fu Kid” sounds like a rip off of another movie…
“Splice” is 10% good spliced with 90% tard. Possible Awards? The “Stupidest Title Sequence Ever”
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
A Nightmare On Elm Street” (remake) is < or = the original NOES w/better lighting & sound fx Ehhhh.....
CLASH OF THE TITANS
Clash of the Titans = TRASH of the Titans – LAAAAMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!! (at least the original had boobs)
“The Crazies” – a surprisingly decent film that unfortunately follows about 40 other films with the same story…
SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE
She’s Out of My League reminds me of John Hughes movies… If John Hughes movies actually sucked…
Avatar proves CGI acting CAN (finally) be emotionally interesting…the human acting & dialogue? Ehhh not as much…
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON
“Twilight: New Moon” – Geez, can’t this girl meet a “regular” dysfunctional teenage boy like the rest of the teenage girls?
“2012″: Oddly, adding the numbers of the film’s title barely gets you its rating out of a possible 10. Those Mayans…
Paranormal Activity – $11,000 budget is what most will focus on – more so than the “craft” that actually makes it both good and scary. Boooo
ZombieLAND, AdventureLAND… what will complete Jesse Eisenberg’s cinematic hat-trick? Zombieland = Semi-mindless fun!
Sorority Row is scary and funny… but unfortunately not at the times they meant either of them to be…
THE FINAL DESTINATION:
Final Destination 4 in 3D – Exactly like the other Final Destinations but with much less depth…
H2: Rob Zombie dares to reimagine a horror icon’s sequel while I simply imagine that he didn’t.
Inglorious Basterds: Not about marketing, action figures or kid’s meals. Good movie made by a good director – not a f*cking committee
D9 – Worthy refresh of “alien invasion” movies – poor & homeless aliens…Think “DEpendence Day” or “E.T. need change to phone home”
G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA:
G.I. JOE – The Good: What you would expect from a Steven Sommers flick. The Bad: What you would expect from a Steven Sommers flick.
HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE:
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince = Harry Potter and the Half Full/Empty Glass – a hit and/or miss in the series…
Funny People – A theatrical Director’s Cut of a Judd Apatow movie.
The Collector: Surprisingly interesting low budget horror film that eventually goes overboard…
I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER:
I Love You Beth Cooper = I Hate How Bad This F*cking Movie Actually Is…(could potentially be the worst movie of the year)
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER:
500 Days of Summer = 95 minutes of Zooey Deschannel….
THE HURT LOCKER:
The Hurt Locker: The film’s characters struggle to stop a bomb from happening but director Katherine Bigelow beats them to it.
TRANSFORMERS 2: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN:
Transformers 2 – Dear Michael Bay: Saw your latest movie…and… F*CK YOU TOO…
The Hangover = gut pains from laughing so much…
LAND OF THE LOST:
LAND OF THE LOST: Coincidentally where anything positive about this movie must live…
UP – where every other studio picture will need to look to be great…
DRAG ME TO HELL:
Drag Me To Hell > the trailer or the marketing makes it appear to be…
T4: A genuine & honest attempt at a Terminator film…Still, I’d rather listen to the audio of Bale yelling at the D.P. instead.
X-MEN ORIGINS – WOLVERINE:
Wolverine: Another movie where someone falls to their knees and screams into the overhead camera…
Star Trek: JJ Abrams’ biggest directorial flaw was having important dialogue happen while Uhura was undressing…uhhh, what did she say?
Adventureland – The “SuperBad” director makes a coming of age drama better than most – it’s almost Super Good.
“The Messenger” …delivers!!!! (I apologize for that one – but Woody and Ben are great in this though)
WHEN IN ROME
“When In Rome” is a movie not worth watching on a flight to or from Rome… …or anywhere actually…
PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS: THE LIGHTNING THIEF
“Percy Jackson…” is to “Harry Potter…” as Reese’s Pieces are to M&M’s…
YOUTH IN REVOLT
“Youth in Revolt” is a movie that came out on DVD this week… …that is my review…
The Informant! = Matt Damon’s missing Best Actor nomination…
“Brothers” is about… …110 minutes long…
THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE
Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience is more of an “experimental film” – one that I WANT to appreciate… …just not there yet…
GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST
It turns out the plot of Ghost of Girlfriends Past isn’t about a serial killer haunted by his victims
Gigantic: Strange movie where strange people do strange things…OR $14,000 beds, Chinese babies, depressed mice and Zooey topless!
FAST AND FURIOUS
Fast and Furious picks right up from where the majority of plot points stolen from the movie Point Break left off…
Tyson: Mike gives us a less painful bite into his boxing career and a generous earful about becoming a human being during it…
OBSERVE AND REPORT
Observe and Report’s (dir) Jody Hill claims “nothing in common” with Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Neither is good, that’s “in common”
In Fall 2009, all The Movie Guys got in the act and we’re reviewing all the horror movies in the world. This is the result.
Halloween: Michael Myers tries to kill the daughter of the real estate agent who’s selling the house he killed his sister in.
(side note – this is actually the plot of “Halloween”)
FRIDAY THE 13TH
Friday The 13th: a mother kills negligent lifeguards while ironically seeking vengeance for the death of her immortal son
Looked it up: Irwin Allen produced “Fire!”, “Flood!”, “Cave-in!” & “The Swarm”, but not “The Birds”. A life unfulfilled.
FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3-D
Friday the 13th part 3D – one of the most fun of 3D films out there AND the 3D works well on DVD too.
THE INVISIBLE MAN
“The Invisible Man”: Didn’t see it.
DAWN OF THE DEAD
“Dawn of the Dead”: Socialist zombie victims of no Public Option fight back against capitalist consumerism at local mall.
There are 2 versions of me. Me before “Cannibal Holocaust”, and me after “Cannibal Holocaust”. They’re different people.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2
What was scarier: “Nightmare on Elm Street 2, A” or the “rap” song inspired by the movie done by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince?
“The Shining”: Scatman Crothers sees into the future…except to see who might be hanging around the corner with an axe.
“The Ring”: Various people are killed for still watching VHS in 2002.
BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA
“Bram Stoker’s Dracula”, from the director of “Captain EO”, not so much “The Godfather”…
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
“Silent Night, Deadly Night”: Santa + sees his parents have sex = 14 dead. Me + see my parents have sex = still single.
“Hannibal”: Lecter goes to Europe, and therefore everything gets boring. He then eats brains to pick up the pace again.
“Psycho” (1998): A shot-by-shot remake. My shot-by-shot remake of Roger Ebert’s review: “Pointless”
MARY SHELLEY’S FRANKENSTEIN
“Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein”: Why “Mary Shelley’s”? Because she demanded the inclusion of Dr. Frankenstein’s ripped abs.
“Poltergeist”: The TV in a Cuesta Verde, CA home becomes unwatchable, leaving nothing cool for kids to do in the suburbs.
EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN
“Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn”: Bruce Campbell is chased by a steadicam operator until he is sucked into a special effect.
“The Mist”: If a bunch of shallow people holed up in a grocery store in Maine, things wouldn’t go well, monsters or not…
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
“The Blair Witch Project”: After further review, NOT a “Facts of Life” sequel…
FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Fri.13 Pt IV: Corey Feldman shaves his head to trick Evil Sloth. To our dismay, Feldman’s career, like Jason Vorhees, doesn’t die!
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
“The Phantom of the Opera”: I’ve seen worse looking voice coaches…
“The Happening”: It’s what’s not.
“The Blob”: Giant, gelatinous, unwavering blob consumes the midwest (insert your own Oprah Winfrey joke here)
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
“Night of the Living Dead”: The dead eat the living in order to survive, which they don’t, ’cause they’re already dead…
“Carrie”: Don’t f*ck with a girl who’s menstruating…
“Evil Bong”: Just wanted you to know there’s a movie called “Evil Bong”, and more people have seen that than your film.
“Saw”: Danny Glover’s getting too old for this shit.
“Christine”: Plymouth turns owner into a raging maniac. Being remade as a hybrid that turns owner into an elitist douche.
THE SIXTH SENSE
“The Sixth Sense”: Actually ESP is the sixth sense, and if M. Night had it, he’d have stopped making movies after this one.
“Psycho”: Killer with mommy issues runs a motel. Jamie Lee Curtis’ mom dies and I haven’t committed to opaque shower curtains
JAWS: THE REVENGE
“Jaws: The Revenge”: Shark’s true revenge on man was keeping Michael Caine on set when he could’ve been at the Oscar podium
“Se7en”: The exact number of times I shat myself during that movie…
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
“Return of the Living Dead”: The first time I rooted for the zombies.
“Scream”: If it’s really not gonna matter to the rest of the film, why not kill Drew Barrymore at the top of every movie?
“Cat People”: Woman turns into a panther when she gets aroused. Blah blah blah, pussy, blah blah blah, cougar, etc.
In December 2009, all The Movie Guys set out to cover all the Christmas and holiday movies ever assembled. Here’s how it went down.
DISNEY’S A CHRISTMAS CAROL
“Disney’s A Christmas Carol”: Poster shows Scrooge flying through the London sky. Good to see reverence for the source material.
SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE
“Santa Claus: The Movie”: All I’m saying is, before this film, Dudley Moore made good movies (like “10″). After this film, he DIED.
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE
“It’s a Wonderful Life”: Every time a bell rings, “It’s a Wonderful Life” airs on TV in December…
LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW
“Look Who’s Talking Now”: Technically an X-mas movie. The tagline is “The World’s favorite family is back!” Key word: the “WORLD’S”.
“Scrooged”: After “Caddyshack”, “Stripes” & “Ghostbusters”, who said, “let’s make Bill Murray play an asshole for half a movie?”
TRAPPED IN PARADISE
“Trapped in Paradise”: So bad it’s hard to believe that’s actually pre-Oscar Nicolas Cage.
ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS
“Ernest Saves Christmas”: All I’m saying is, before this film, Jim Varney was on good TV shows (like “Alice″). After this film, he DIED.
“Love Actually”: Just enough nudity and swearing to balance out the sentimentality.
“Everybody’s Fine”: Robert DeNiro sets off across the country at Christmas to reunite with his children and an Academy Award.
THE POLAR EXPRESS
“The Polar Express”: Creepy-looking kids go to the North Pole, creepy-looking Tom Hanks sings creepy songs about hot chocolate. Creepy.
DR. SEUSS’ HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
“Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas” won an Oscar. Let’s recap: “The Grinch” – 1, Alfred Hitchcock – 0.
And it's easy to make an app for the iPhone, too! Go to: http://themovieguys.podbean.com/mobile/ At the bottom of the screen, click the "Quick Launch" icon, thait will add our podcast to your home screen and appear as an App!
Watch video from The Movie Guys LIVE! at The Second City & IOWest in Hollywood!
Every Oscar night we overload the internet with wiseass Tweets. Get them all here!