BATTLE: LOS ANGELES

BLOTTO: LOS ANGELES

Battle: Los Angeles

***

Review by Justin Bowler

Do you like movies with modern war?

Do you like movies with aliens?

Then you’ll love this modern war movie with aliens movie.

(See what I did there?) Boom.

This is my (Justin T. Bowler) review of Battlefield: LA (Los Angeles).

The first 15-20 minutes was character establishment of what seemed like 30 characters. IN reality, it was probably only 10 (but I’d and I’ve been drinking heavily and my perception of time is just a little bit off, but don’t give me that look, because I got the points of the movie and this is still an important review, so shut up). So, they killed off half of the characters 5 minutes into the mission. Did I mention it was an army movie? Although, no one was in the army, they were all marines. Except for the airforce person. She wasn’t in the marines. She was in the airforce. Remember in “Black Hawk Down”, how they had 20 minutes to establish all of the characters? Well, they had to because it was a real story and all of the characters were important. This story was fictional, so I don’t know why they needed to do that when so many of them died REALLY early.

Editor’s Note: Justin is quite obviously still hammered. I can’t be sure he didn’t drink DURING the movie. The grammatical and punctuation errors and inconsistencies are notable, but most important, I should interject to tell you the name of the film is “BATTLE: LOS ANGELES”, not “BATTLEFIELD: LOS ANGELES”, as he has mis-remembered. – PP

I went to a Cinemark Theatre so I had the choice of seeing it in normal dumbass mode or in supercool “experience, digital” or “XD” mode for $5 more. I laid down a fiver (that’s how I roll) (boom) and enjoyed all the Godlike bonuses (I just said bonuses) that the “experience, digital” (XD) had to offer. I don’t remember what it was, that made the “experience, digital” or “XD” better, but just know there was a lot of stuff, and I know there was, because they told me so.

Aaron Eckhart is a fine action hero, (I say that becAUSE WE HAVEN’T SEEN HIM AS one). (Well aT LEAST I HAVEN’T. HE’S BEEN DOING MOSTLY Romantic comedies and the like. Although, he was in the second batman movie. But, not really as an action star, just a victim and villain. If you haven’t seen the batman movies, you should. Remember Bill Pullman’s (awesome?) over the top speech in Independence Day. His delivery of “This…. Is your…. Independence…. Day!” It fit perfectly in the film for the style it was. And well,)

Never mind, I forgot where I was goin with that. Anyway, I’m happy to see Aaron Eckhart branching out to action hero. (Although, he was in Batman.) But, I’d like him to do a less dramATIC ACTION HERO ROLE.

Editor’s Note: Justin was belligerent about not changing ANY of his text, despite massive alcohol-addled miscalculations in sentence structure and use of parenthesis and capitalization. As with most opinion pieces, please understand that Justin’s views and grammatical prowess do not necessarily represent that of The Movie Guys. – PP

BATTLEFIELD: la (lOS aNGELES) HAS SO MUch non-stop action, that the poignant dramatic moments seem soooo long and uninteresting. At one point I couldn’t take it and had to let out an audible elongated “booooorrrrrrrrrriiiiinnnnnngggg” a la Homer Simpson. (Did I mention I was drinking heavbily before the film?)

I’m not entirely sure how long the boring part was. I stumbled to the bathroom to relieve myself.

It was gritty and full of tension. Not too much blood. And a lot of bullets. (I’m talking about movie and not my “experience, bathroom” (BD).) Oh, and Michelle Rodriguez was in it. And so was that guy from True Blood. That one guy, you know, not the main one, but the other guy.

It was really loud and lots of shooting. Destruction, destruction, destruction. For the same reason “Volcano” is fun, this movie is fun if you live in LA (Los Angeles), but not if you live in LA (Louisiana). (Or I don’t knOW, MAYBE IT IS REALLY GREAT IF YOU LIVE IN LA (LOUISIANA). (I’M NOT FROM THERE, SO I’M NOT FROM THERE.)

THE ALIENS ARE GREAT VILLAINS, BUT THEy aren’t as good as the Nazis (which are the best villains of all time), but they were really great for five reasons. 1st, their really evil. 2nd, they want only to exterminate us. Not just enslave, or peacefully co-exist, but they want to destroy all human kind (and probably monkeys as well) (what did the monkeys ever do to them? That’s what I want to know). C, the aliens are ugly, and I mean worse than that-old-lady-from-England-with-the-good-voice ugly. (you know the one I mean, her album was the biggest preorder of all time on Amazon., her name was Sarah, or Molly, Or Susan Brown or something. I’m pretty sure she was Irish. Being Irish, I salute her.) 4th, the villains were really evil. And that’s why they were good villains. Boom!

THE ALIENS ATTACK OVER 20 CITIES AND WE ONLY SEE THE LA (LOS ANGELES) BATTLE. (THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED BATTLEFIELD: LA (LOS ANGELES)). Editor’s Note: It is called “Battle: Los Angeles”) -PP SO WE HAVE AT LEAST 19 more sequels until we see the end of the war. This was a smart business move for Aaron Eckhart. 19 sequels is a lot. So, if he got paid 5 million for each one movie, after 19 movies he’d have at least 50 million of so. (BTW There is an awesome cantina next to the Cinemark that we saw Battlefield: LA (Los Angeles), the bartender was really generous with the shots in the margaritas. So, I highly recommend them.)

All in all, Aaron Eckhart is the man. He originally shot an elongated (I just said elongated) sex scene with (back when she was really hot) Katie Holmes in Thank You For Smoking. Sadly, for us, it was cut. But he got to live it. So, you should go see Battlefield: LA (Los Angeles).

3 out of 4 thumbs. See it. (Especially if you liked Black Hawk Down, but wished it was with aliens.)

And that’s my review. Boom.

Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman
Release Date: March 11, 2011
Run Time: 116 Minutes
Country: USA
Rated: PG-13
Distributor: Columbia Pictures

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